“The New Year, The New You”: Tips to RENEW your relationship

To have a healthy, long-term romantic relationship, you might need to take a new approach to some old patterns. For many people, that means adjusting old expectations and taking on new levels of accountability. Jump-start the new year with these tips to RENEW your relationship and keep it strong for your next trip around the sun.

Regulate

While it's normal to have ups and downs, the key to relationship harmony is learning to regulate your own feelings first. It can be particularly hard to remain calm when you feel upset or hurt. But if you only look to your partner to make you feel better, your efforts could backfire. For example, if you feel insecure about your relationship and ask your partner to repeatedly reassure you or change her or his behavior, it might come of off as “clingy” or even overwhelming. The pressure that your partner might feel also can lead him or her to withdraw from you rather than come closer. If your partner’s presence feels like a “bonus” instead of a “need,” you’re on the right track.

Engage

When you see your partner upset, slow down and engage with him or her in a way that empowers both of you. Engage with empathy and boundaries. You might say, “I know you feel anxious about me going out with the girls. I feel a bit guilty, and I think I need to deal with that guilt. But do you think you can cope with your own feelings too? It’s important for me to keep these other friendships." The best way to stay engaged in your relationship is open communication: If you need some space, ask for it rather than withdrawing. And if your conversation starts to escalate, discuss taking a break and plan to pick it up later rather than giving each other the silent treatment.

Nurture

Healthy relationships are about more than just surviving conflict and finding compromise. It’s important to take time to nurture both emotional and physical intimacy as a couple. There are lots of ways you and your partner can increase those positive interactions. So, remember little things and small acknowledgments that show you care are just as important as bigger displays or gestures.

Endure

To grow individually and together as partners, it’s important to cope with how you feel rather than look for quick fixes. It can be tough to work through the big stuff, so take your time and stick with it. Good communication can help you and your partner deal with discomfort and figure out what works best for you both.

Work

It’s easy to lose yourself in relationships. You might feel subtle (or not-so-subtle) pressure to be more like your partner and enjoy the same activities or even share the same goals. But if you give in to those pressures, you can lose track of your own sense of self. While it’s good to adapt some over time, you also want to keep a clear sense of your own identity. Work on yourself by setting personal goals and learning new things that also can “renew” your connection with your partner. And keep in mind solid relationships consist of two people with solid identities who can work together.


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References

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Gottman, J. M. (1994). What Predicts Divorce: The Relationship Between Marital Processes and Marital Outcomes. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, Inc.

Schnarch, D., & Regas, S. (2012). The crucible differentiation scale: Assessing differentiation in human relationships. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(4), 639–652. doi:10.1111/j.1752-0606.2011.00259.x